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Seven Questions to Help Quiet Negative Self-talk

Negative self-talk is the flip-side of criticism. One is self-perpetuated, while the other is usually unsolicited and unwelcome. Both lead to erosion of self-esteem and personal worth. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to control negative words that come from the mouths of others. It is possible, however, to recognize a behaviour pattern of negative self-talk and make positive changes.

The first step to positive change in any situation is to identify patterns that are destructive. This is especially true when it comes to negative self-talk. Negative self-talk is irrational, but
sounds truthful in the mind of the person engaging in it. People who suffer from anxiety, depression or stress are frequently unaware of negative self-talk habits. A person may simply find himself in a state of perpetual avoidance. A person in this state takes fewer risks, often out of fear of being rejected. He may shy away from social situations, avoid friends and eventually be afraid to leave the house.

Sometimes a person sabotages relationships in an effort to keep from being hurt. Eventually a vicious circle ensues. This leads to avoidance of situations that may lead to rejection. The more a person perpetuates avoidance, the more he engages in negative self-talk. This ultimately results in a severe battering on self-esteem.

People dealing with these issues share some common traits. Those who recognize one or more of the following tendencies or characteristics may be suffering from anxiety related to negative self-talk:

* Loved ones and close friends have pointed out a problem. Those closest to us sometimes see us better than we see ourselves. If someone you love and trust is concerned about your mental health, take it to heart. Don’t be offended. Instead, recognize it as their way of trying to help you help yourself.

* Frequent panic attacks. Panic attacks can be scary, especially if you’ve never had one before. Sometimes people who suffer from panic attacks mistake them for heart attacks or other physical illnesses. Panic attacks are very real, physiological responses to stress. Symptoms include rapid heartbeat, chest tightness, sweatiness in the palms and even nervous twitches or tics. A panic attack in and of itself is not harmful; however, it does indicate a deeper problem.

* Other physical symptoms. Headaches and nausea may be related to anxiety. Do you experience these at the prospect of a social situation or prior to an event such as flying in an aeroplane? This may be indicative of deeper issues.

If you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, you are not alone. Weigh your thoughts against these seven Socratic questions:

1. What is the evidence for this feeling?

2. Is this always true?

3. Has this been true in the past?

4. What are the odds of this outcome really occurring or being
true?

5. What is the very worst that could happen?

6. Am I looking at the whole picture?

7. Am I being fully objective?

The validity of your negative self-talk has nothing to do with how attached you are to the statements or how ingrained they might be. Rather, it has to do with whether they stand up under careful, objective scrutiny. Applying these seven questions to potentially stressful situations can help you more objectively evaluate your misgivings. Eventually, you may be able to weed out negative self-talk altogether.

Change Your Life by Changing Your Belief

The power of positive belief isn’t a myth. It’s well known that when you believe you can do something. Positive thinking helps you achieve your goals. If on the other hand you go around thinking you can’t accomplish something or that you always lose out, then you’re probably right.

Positive Reinforcement
Let’s start with an example of positive mental reinforcement. Imagine that you want to prepare a meal for your friends. As you mentally prepare it’s likely that you’ll plan the menu, the shopping list and the food preparation involved. You believe that this meal will happen, so your brain helps you achieve success.

Now, let’s look at a negative instance. Let’s take running a 5K race. If you’re like me the thought of running for any length of time is a big turn off. I hate running. The very idea makes me think of pain and boredom. I believe that I can’t finish the race. Yet my friend wants me to run with her and her daughters in two months’ time.

How do I change my thinking so that I will not only be able to run the race, but also enjoy it? Merely thinking positively won’t help, as anyone who’s tried to give up smoking or change eating habits can attest.

Change Old Beliefs
My belief needs to change. I need to believe that running this race is worthwhile. How do I change my belief?

The interesting thing about beliefs is they are usually formed either when we are young or through a significant event. When I was twenty, my boyfriend persuaded me to go running with him. I bought a cheap pair of running shoes, set off without any preparation and within fifteen minutes was a red-faced, oxygen-starved wreck.

The experience has stuck in my mind and every attempt at running brings this terrible memory back. That was the structure of my belief and it was set in stone.

Many people are stuck in similar structures of belief about all sorts of things. It might be a fear of speaking, a phobia of flying or even not sleeping well. The first step towards change is to reverse the belief. The next steps include building motivation and knowing what actions are needed to get you what you want.

Using NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and hypnosis, it’s possible to revisit the experience that formed your negative belief and change it. Once I revisited my painful running experience, I realised that I was afraid of being embarrassed in front of my athletic and good looking boyfriend. I was shocked to actually feel the pain and discomfort of running during the experience.

Having re-visited the initiating experience I was able to build a new positive belief around running. I set out to understand what would motivate me. I know that one of my strongest personality traits is my competitive nature. Maybe it comes from being the third child born in a family of four kids. Our childhood games were always about winning. So I’ve always been someone who either excelled at a task or avoided the task completely. But once I realized that finishing the race was a win in its own way, the idea of running and being in a race was a lot more attractive.

Once I overcame my apprehension, my next step was preparation. I took some advice on how to stretch and what kind of shoes to wear. I made a weekly plan that progressively challenged me by gradually increasing time and distance on every run.

It�s working already. Today I ran for over twenty minutes on the treadmill and covered 3.3k. (Yes I know that’s laughably slow, but it’s a start.) My thinking and belief structure has completely changed. Now I look forward to my running sessions. For me that�s a real change, and anyone who knows me would certainly agree.

The question I present to you is simple. What would you like to change?

Is Stress Ruining Your Life?
Do you find it difficult to make decisions? Do you feel generally unsettled and sometimes downright irritable? When you stop and think about it are you aware of an underlying sense of anxiety or worry that permeates every aspect of your life?

If you�re nodding your head to all or most of these questions chances are that you are suffering from chronic stress.

Although the word stress is frequently heard it�s far reaching long term damage is little appreciated. Allowing it to continue builds invisible barriers in your life and limits your ability to simply enjoy life and your capacity to express emotions and appreciate opportunities. If a sense of stress become the norm rather than the exception you run the risk of inflicting serious damage to your health and your future.

Think about it � imagine how different your life would be if you just went ahead with decisions and once you made those decisions they didn�t come back to haunt you. Imagine how much more energy you�d have to enjoy activities that you put off now, because you �don�t feel up to it,� or you �just have to get some extra work done.�

Don�t worry if you feel all of the above is pertinent � you are not alone. Stress and anxiety are commonplace in competitive environments and most workplaces. Unfortunately nowadays we are bought up to believe that you must be seen to succeed at everything and that you must be able to buy all the latest products and gizmos to add short-term enjoyment to your life.

With this kind of everyday pressure to face it�s not by accident that such conditions as IBS, chronic backache, depression, psoriasis and migraine are on the increase in our hi-speed, consumer oriented society. Understandably when we fall pray to these conditions we seek our doctor�s advice, who will invariably prescribe a drug regime. This traps you in a syndrome of dependency on drugs and feelings of failure because you are unable to cope with life like everyone else seems to.

What Can You Do to Avoid the Stress Trap?
The simple answer is to learn the art of living consciously and being self-aware in the right way. Instead of constantly going over thoughts in your head that point out your mistakes and what everyone else is thinking, ask yourself some useful questions.

You could start by posing the question: �How am I contributing to my feelings of stress?� This could lead you to examine what exactly you�re saying to yourself in your head and noticing whether it�s of value or helpful.

Then perhaps check whether you�re tensing up your body anywhere. You may suddenly be aware that every time you talk to a certain person you are unconsciously tensing up your neck and shoulders.

Now check whether you�re habitually imagining things going wrong, or rehearsing arguments to have or having to defend yourself.

Changing your thinking in this way may seem subtle but it has far reaching effects. Firstly it puts you back in control and makes you concentrate on the here and now instead of racing off into your own make-believe land of disaster.

Other key steps to the road of recovery and life enhancement are:
Acknowledge your current feelings � being aware is the first step to recovery.
Get help � seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a step of growth. Talking with a therapist, friends or family about your concerns and frustrations relieves emotional tension and brings a sense of relief � you�re not alone.
Learning how to relax � we so often feel that lying inert in front of the TV of an evening is relaxing. It isn�t. Your mind and body need the benefits of regular relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, calm moments of mental space, regular exercise. The resulting energy and clear head thinking you�ll experience will convince you of their worth.

Doing any or all of these exercises will help you regain control and start to create the life you were meant to have. Why wait any longer?

Winning the Losing Weight Game
Are you more or less constantly thinking about your weight, or whether you�re eating or not eating?
Do you find that at times when you start eating that you just can�t stop yourself? And then when your clothes don�t fit do you decide to resolve that by eating more?
Often as a consequence of this common behaviour is that you will feel bad about yourself and imagine that everyone is thinking how big you are, thus increasing your anxiety about your eating and image, so that you eat more to comfort yourself.
You might not believe it yet there are steps you can take to get you out this self-destructive cycle and turn around the negative feelings that you experience.
When we are in these �mind-traps� we are habitually repeating thought patterns and acting on them without questioning where they come from and what they do for us.
A simple question such as: �What will that do for me?� can often be the beginning of understanding ourselves better and our behaviour. Approaching the problem in this way can be the first step towards doing things differently.
It works like this: a bad experience gives you the urge to go to the biscuit tin and eat as many biscuits as you can. But this time, instead of binging on biscuits, as yourself: �What will that do for me?�
If the answer is something like �It gives me a treat,� ask yourself: �And if I have this treat, what does that do for me?; Again, wait for your answer, it may be something like, �If I have this treat then I will feel appreciated.� If this is your response carry on and ask yourself: �If I get to feel appreciated, what does that do for me?� Listen for an answer and keep asking yourself the same question, until you can go no further with your responses. What you�re looking for is the higher motivation behind the behaviour �eating too many biscuits�. By doing this on a regular basis you will get in touch with what you really want and take your first step to controlling the food cravings.
I worked with a client who was unhappy with her weight and eating. Her name was Mary, a wife and working mother of two young boys. We did this exercise and she realised that she wanted to feel comforted.
When we looked at other aspects of her life it became clear that she never put herself first in terms of what she wanted and one way or another she now felt unappreciated and lacking.
Mary also realised that rarely gave her self permission to have �me time� to do things like soak in a luxurious bath, or go out with friends, or watch what she wanted on TV, These all may seem like small trivial things, but added together they became the source of her feelings of being invisible, not appreciated and generally unloved.
Mary worked on creating ways that she could reward, comfort and appreciate herself that didn�t have to mean eating. Very soon she became very clear about her goals and how to achieve them. People around her noticed a change and responded by being more receptive and positive towards her. As a result, she easily shed weight, looked and was much happier, and forgot all about eating for comfort.

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May 2004 Summer is on its Way
July 2004 Too Hot Busy Girls
November 2004 Make A Plan
April 2005 Spring has Sprung

May 2004 Summer on its Way

Well Summer is on its way MAY 2004
Hello, last week it looked like summer was definitely on its way - and now? Well I’m looking out from my window and see hailstones, rain and strong winds pummelling my garden flat. Ah, a British Summer in full swing.

I have found some useful tips and info to prepare you for the hotter weather and on-coming holiday season. For example if you want that all important fashion accessory - a flat tummy - read on. Plus a website to help you find the latest place to find a date or to take your date to or update your image.

And if you’re not so good a flyer or know someone who’s anxious, help is on hand. Read on, please do forward this on to your friends or anyone you think would find it useful, and let me know who you’ve sent it to. If you don’t want to receive this in future, let me know too. Thanks.

Liz Labrum

1. You can have a flat tummy
2. Fancy a Date?
3. Table of excuses
4. It’s all in the mind - you can do it
5. Fear of Flying and DVT Connection

1. You can have a flat Tummy
When Summer arrives (finally), we all want to wear less and have a flat tummy. So here are some sure-fire tips from Kate Cook, The Nutrition Coach. (Click here to visit her website).

Avoid wheat (common cause of bloating) - but replace with alternatives - wheat free pastas (corn), rye breads (pumpernickel). Brown rice, millet.
Make sure that elimination is efficient - if not add fibre into the diet - in the form of fruit and veg. Make sure that friendly bacteria are in healthy amounts - taking an acidophilus supplement can help.
Drink plenty of water, at least 2 litres a day.
Eat little and often rather than huge meals
Eat earlier in the evening
Make sure you have lots of snacks (e.g. apples and nuts and seeds) - rather than wait till you are starving and eat everything in sight the minute you get in from work.
Don’t leave it until the week before holiday to make big diet changes - incorporate them into your everyday life.
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2. Fancy a Date?
News for any one who wants to make a good first impression or get that all important new date in their life. Jenny Cutler, image consultant with a difference, advises makers of TV programme ‘Would Like To Meet’.

Visit her site - it is a mine of advice on finding a date, making an impression, plus shopping recommendations and tips. Take a look at the links section on dining clubs and update your address book. (Jenny also claims she knows how to get into The Ivy!)

3. Table of excuses
That’s the way we’ve always done it.
I didn’t know you were in a hurry for it.
That’s not my department.
No-one told me to go ahead
I’m waiting for an OK.
I forgot.
I didn’t think it was very important
I’m so busy I just can’t get around to it.
I thought I told you.
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4. It’s all in the mind - you can do it . . .
When it comes to solving problems, many times we create our own biggest obstacles. Whether we know it or not, we tend to put up more barriers that stand in the way of logical or creative solutions. If we define problems narrowly and cling to long-held beliefs through force of habit, our creativity becomes stifled and we become frustrated. The following information may prevent this happening:

Remember that you are smarter than you think. For instance, negative perceptions like “I have never been good at maths” will just encourage you to avoid any maths-related problems whenever they come up. Instead, face problems head-on. In high pressure situation, people often surprise themselves with their new-found abilities to problem-solve, or look at things from a different perspective and realise they can achieve something different.

Fight the fear of risk-taking. Realise that the world will not come to an end if you try something different. Be willing to take a chance. Ask yourself what the worst possible consequences of your actions would be. It’s almost never as bad as you imagine.

Break problems down. Dividing your problems and concerns into smaller pieces makes them more manageable. Doing this will also keep you from feeling overwhelmed or defeated. Solve each part of the problem separately. Move onto the next part only after the first is conquered.

Think in reverse. Start with the end of a process. For example, if you are having trouble explaining or understanding a situation or proposal, think it through from the end to the beginning to see clearly how the whole thing fits together.

Don’t reinvent the wheel. Ask questions. Find out what others who have faced the same problems have done to improve their situation or to solve it. Consider whether the same approaches could work for you.

Put your ideas on paper. Diagrams, charts and other conceptual devices often help you see the bigger picture.

July 2004 Too Hot Busy Girls

Hello, last week it looked like we were all going to fry - it’s just so hot! Have you noticed when the temperature rises so do our tempers?

But just suppose for a moment that you didn’t ‘hate’ anyone, that you found everyone including your partner/client/boss/that shop assistant interesting? What would your life be like then?

You wouldn’t have that booming voice in your head shouting at whoever it is annoying you, would you? You might in fact live your life with a happy mind enjoying the moment, free from fears, doubts and resentment. Can you imagine that?

To get a feel of how this could work why not try the following? For the rest of today, or for the whole of tomorrow, make a point of leaving everyone (yes, everyone) you meet or talk to a little happier as a result. You’ll be amazed at the way it will make you feel. You never know it might just become a habit!

Networking - everyone’s doing it
I met with a professional networker earlier today - yes there are such people. He makes his living meeting people. One of his many theories is that the 50th person you meet will turn into a transaction for your benefit.(whatever transaction means for you.)

His name is Thomas Power and he, together with his wife Penny, created Ecademy, an on-line networking community. Take a look (ecademy.com). Some other advice he gives on networking include:

Be highly curious
Cultivate the ability to see links and connections
Keep channels of communications open
Be genuinely interested in people
Be positive - always
Which leads me on to:

Why are so many of us solo?
More and more of us are single into our thirties and beyond. There doesn’t seem to be one single answer to this curious fact. But it seems we’ve lost the art of flirting and create reasons why potential partners don’t fit our ideal or lifestyle. What’s the answer? Are you or do you know someone looking to meet that someone special? I’d love your help.

I am developing, together with a body language expert and an image consultant, a course on the art of flirting and being mentally ready for that someone special. I would love to know what you think on the subject and what you think would be useful to learn. Please e-mail me with your thoughts, comments and suggestions.

Stay cool - be near an open fridge Best wishes, Liz

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November 2004 Make A Plan

As winter approaches and the nights draw in now is a good time to make some plans and take action so that when spring comes around a new you is revealed!

1. Weighty Issues
2. Take Action
3. Fear-Free Flying
4. A Fitness Plan for Your Mind

If you’re interested in losing weight, dropping old habits, being in control - who isn’t? - and you want to do it quickly and for yourself, then this is for you.

It’s a brief collection of tips and strategies that I’ve found useful. If you like what you read do pass it on to someone you think would enjoy it too and let me know who that person is.

Weighty Issues
Weight is an emotional issue, and emotions govern your weight as much as food. In my experience I see how weight drops off once emotional issues are sorted. Clients often say they don’t feel so ‘driven’ any more.

So what can you do if you currently feel out of control? First of all, start to become more aware of your negative internal dialogues. Write them down when you hear yourself say them - you will see what your limiting beliefs are and how they are a lens through which you see yourself and life.

Begin to play with re-wording them to give yourself support. Reframe them. This takes the energy out of them and sets you free.

Over a period of time you will start to see a pattern. Perhaps you don’t think you deserve to be how you want to be. An over-weight state can be an indication of low self-esteem. We put on hold looking after ourselves or being who we want to be.

Take Action
So OK, you’re not always going to wake up fresh and bright-eyed - sometimes you’ll be feeling overfed, bloated and sloth-like.

Take action - doing something, no matter how small, will take the edge off what could be a ruinous day.

A simple trick is to start the day with some hot water and lemon juice. (Always have lemons on your shopping list!) The mental and physical kick-start will work wonders for your resolve and motivation.

Plan some exercise and relaxation into your day - how about a meditative walk at lunch time, giving you a double whammy. You’ll go to bed feeling so smug and saintly that tomorrow you’ll wake up feeling better, brighter and lighter. You see - it’s easy to be perfect!

Fear-Free Flying
Many people suffer some degree of anxiety when flying. I have recently worked with two clients and successfully shifted their fear, so that now the prospect of flying is no more stressful to them than taking a bus ride. Often we have no idea where these fears originate but once they appear we feel powerless to stop them. Plus when we start to think about these fears, we compound them and lock ourselves even more firmly under their grip.

With hypnosis you can get to the bottom of where the fear started and reframe that initiating belief so that you fly happily once more. If your fear is low level there are Internet based sites that can help. One is SOAR, go to www.fearofflying.com. It’s American, but does give loads of good advice and other useful site addresses. Or find a good hypnotherapist!

A Fitness Plan for Your Mind
Well it makes sense - there’s plenty of evidence to prove healthy people are more productive. But amid all the body-building, it’s just as important to exercise your mind.

To keep your brain, as well as your body, in shape you should: Read constantly, your brain works by association. The more information you read the ways your brain can help you approach everyday tasks and problems.

Spend some time each day on the treadmill of routine activities. Getting them off your mind is like shedding unwanted pounds. You’ll feel better and the tougher, more complex tasks won’t seem so daunting.

Meet or talk regularly with others to discuss new ideas and career plans. You may need a few mentors and coaches to help you reach your goals. Learn how others have achieved goals that you’d like to achieve and model them.

Treat decision-making as you’re an athlete trying to see how many sit-ups you can do. Start with a few that are easy, then work your way up to the more difficult ones. In time, you’ll have the stamina to handle many decisions with little effort.

View problem solving as an exercise bike that lets you gradually increase pedal pressure. Gets the kinks out with some straightaway easy problems, so you’ll be able to deal with the more uphill ones.

Think yourself as a swimmer, but don’t specialise in just one stroke. In today’s workplace, you must prepare for the possibility that you’ll change careers several times - a freestyle relay event.

Give your mind the same break you would your body when exhausted. Set aside a little time each day to let your brain bask in a mental sauna. This will prepare you for future hard exercise.

Above all have fun - find a way!
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APRIL 2005 Spring has Sprung

1. Are you getting Enough - Sleep
2. Relax and Get More done - really!
3. Thoughts for Success
4. Secret of a Happy Life

Spring has Sprung

Hello All,
I’m back - well never went away just silenced by many family duties. More of that later. But it’s Spring Out There - birds are singing, making nests, buds are popping and the grass - it needs mwing again! huh.

This issue my theme is about reducing stress in your life and getting the right perspective. Get these two skills right and your life could really change for the better!

Liz Labrum

Are you getting enough?

Increasingly I’ve beenseeing more clients who aren’t getting enough sleep. I don’t know if it’s the time of year or whether it’s a growing problem. But the easiest way to get your conscious internal processing to shut up and let you sleep, is to give it something to do that helps your mind relax.

Focus on letting 3 waves of deep relaxation spread over your scalp and face. Think about letting go of all the tension in your scalp and face. Think about the deep relaxation spreading over your scalp and face and pay close attention, you want to notice when each of the 3 waves of deep relaxation spread over your scalp and face. If your mind wanders onto other things, come back to paying attention to when each of the 3 waves of deep relaxation happens to you. You might notice yourself thinking “It can’t relax more than this” but it does! Relax into blissful sleep.

After a little practice, this process has provided clients with the ability to sleep anytime and anywhere they want to.

If you’d like one to one help on this let me know Call me on.

Relax and get more done
If you’re in any form of management, then the chances are that you’ll know what it is like to feel stress - there are numerous methods for avoiding the build up of stress and different techniques work for different people.

A certain amount of stress at specific times is not necessarily a bad thing. Stress can have the effect of ensuring that we perform at the top end of our ability.

But all too often the feeling of stress can dominate our lives and left unchecked it can have a negative impact on our ability to work, worst still it can negatively effect your health.

Give the following a try:

Delegate what you don’t need to do yourself. Often stressed people take on too much. Look at those projects which are really essential to your job and get some assistance with the rest.
Get your life and work into perspective. No matter what is causing you stress, there are plenty of people around who must be handling far more pressure successfully. Think of the pressure that a Prime Minister, Commercial Pilot or a Senior Surgeon must be under. Now doesn’t that put your pressures into perspective?
Take the long view. Will the main factors causing you stress at this moment in time still be pressure factors in say one months time. Very few problems actually last that long and virtually none last a year or more. So, however much pressure you are under right now, think about a point in the future when you know the factors causing the stress will be out of your way.
It’s a fact that less stressed managers and leaders get more done. Mastering your stress levels can put you into this category. It will be very worthwhile to find your own stress relief techniques.

Thoughts for Success
Decide what you really want.
Take one step at a time. Each accomplishment builds confidence, enthusiasm, and power.
Expect good things to happen.
Enjoy life! You are free and your potential is unlimited

Secret of a Happy Life
As a I mentioned at the start I had some sad family news - my mother-in-law Helen died. She was a lady of a bygone age when a “stiff upper lip” and “getting on with it” was the way to go.

She died at home and her Bible, a slip of paper was found, on which she’d written:

“One secret of a sweet and happy life is learning to live by the day .. Anyone can carry his burden, however hard, for one day. This is all life ever means to us - just one little day .. God gives us nights to shut down upon our little days. We cannot see beyond. Short horizons make life easier and give us one of the blessed secrets of brave holy living.”

With that thought I end this and wish that all of you can take this on even for just one day and see the difference it makes.

Love to all
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